Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Although my intentions when I started this blog were to focus on running and working out, I feel a need to express my thoughts and feelings about the effects of Alzheimers Disease. I spend most of the time in denial and I keep thinking the tests (Pet Scan & Spec Scan) were wrong. But deep down I know they were correct. Most people associate a terminal disease with pain and suffering or at least I do, so perhaps that is the reason I am in such denial. I have been through many phases over the last couple of years since my diagnosis. Some phases I have forgotten and others have just passed. The first reaction I had was anger and sadness. After that, I felt like I wanted to travel and experience everything I'd aways wanted to do, in other words a "bucket list". Well I found myself in a little financial bind after a year of travel and having way too much fun. As I look back, it wasn't really fun, I was only running to hide my pain, The pain of knowing how I was most likely going to die and the pain of losing the man I loved so much.

As time moves on, I realize how this Alheimers disease really works. It's not like you wake up one day and forget everyone and everything, it's a gradual thing that happens. I noticed in the last year or so that I try to separate myself from any drama or bad situations as much as possible. I don't deal with that well at all. I have much anxiety when bad situations arise. I recently became aware that all of my close friends (long and short time friends) and family members were not in my world as much anymore, if at all. I used to think they pushed me away, but I now realize that I pushed them away. I have forgotten not only my own childhood memories, but now I can't remember my children at any other age other than now. Their childhood is no longer a memory to me. Hard to accept but it's OK. I can only hope they have fond memories of me. It's the same for me with friends and relatives. Relationships that I developed in the past are no longer. I can only live in today and pray that tomorrow brings a cure. It is difficult for others to understand this because I barely do myself. So while others think I may be upset or mad with them, in most cases, that is not true. I just can't remember the ties and relationship we once had. I do remember them as people and that they meant something to me. I think because I am so active and physically healthy, others can't understand that my brain is dying. To sum that all up, it seems that if someone is in my life on a daily basis or even weekly, the  information continuously gets renewed in my brain. Those are the only relationships I know how to have now. I decided to write this in a way that others will somewhat understand my life with Alzheimers. I only have love for all!